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“I am depraved. I hope you like me”

I’ve been reading a lot of chaotic stories. I’m delirious now that I’ve completed reading Lapvona by Otessa Moshfegh. I’ve had difficulty putting my thoughts into words for my book review, I believe that banana on Goodreads phrased it best:

“dizzying and fantastical. haunting depictions of a medieval village plagued with tragedy and manipulation. where does god fit in such evilness? where does god fit in madness? perhaps religion is a madness of its own. every character delusional and wicked in their own ways, the story both languid and shocking. clever, funny, and disturbing, split into 4 parts: summer winter fall spring and the subsequent disillusion of reality after each season passes. With morale and sanity deteriorating after each disaster, they look to god, their hands twitching to pray, only to discover that dark forces are more powerful than their faith”

The medieval village at the heart of Lapvona is plagued with intense religious guilt, and every action the Lapvonians make weighs on their mortal soul and their ability to enter into heaven. The readers position in this novel is similar to that of an omincsient presence, all knowing of the characters most heinous thoughts and desires. This novel does not provide a leisurely slide into the ludicrous madness of the story. It presents itself directly, telling the reader exactly what kind of story this will be right off the first page with the descriptions of the bandit’s pillaging and their subsequent violent end. Alas, among this wickedness there are moments of seductive quiet particularly in the chapters that revolve on Ina the wet nurse. Ina’s vivid accounts of healing through nature offer a much-needed respite from the chaos. I wouldn’t suggest this book to those who are faint of heart; towards the conclusion, I felt quite queasy, and I think that this is the power of literature—to shock and confuse us with nothing more than words on a page.

I’ve reached page 199 of Lisa Taddeo’s book Animal. This book is so..raw. The main character, Joan, frequently speaks directly to the reader about her feelings and insecurities, shares her past, and speaks poorly of herself. Joan always questions and overthinks her interactions with men, particularly the relationship to her father. I’m nearing the moment where I will learn what “happened at the age of 10,” which she repeatedly mentions throughout the book. I’m also getting near to learning what happened to her parents, a dark incident that hangs over the book. Despite the fact that Joan and I have nothing in common, several of the things she says have stayed with me due to their harsh honesty and vulnerability. Although Joan’s opinions are based on how she sees the world, she expresses them as though they are facts:

“If someone asked me to describe myself in a single word, depraved is the one I would use”

I think Lizzie, the protagonist of Mona Awad’s 13 Ways of Looking at a Fat Girl, and Joan’s narration have aesthetic similarities. The way Lizzie sees herself affects the way she views the world. In her youth Lizzie is an overweight girl, but she is convinced her life will improve for the better the moment she is thin

“I’m going to be really f*cking beautiful. I’m going to grow into that nose and develop an eating disorder. I’ll be hungry and angry all my life but I’ll also have a hell of a time.” 

The story navigates how Lizzie doesn’t exactly “have a hell of a time” the moment she reaches her weight goal. Lizzie is filled with rage and sorrow. The idea that she wasn’t beautiful in her youth due to her weight is put at odds with the people around her; The nail salon girl in a happy relationship, and Lizzie’s husband who misses the “old Liz”. I have posted a full review of this book on Goodreads. Although this book explores delicate issues of weight and self-image through a character-focused journey from youth to adulthood, I would think that review quotations placed on the book, such as “hilarious,” could be misleading to the reader. This story is not hilarious but quite heartbreaking. 

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